I was sleeping, but now I can't. I worry and it makes it hard to sleep. I went to bed early-ish tonight and then just woke up. You know when you wake up and your brain won't stop? One thing after another keeps popping into your head and no matter what, you aren't going to be able to go back to sleep unless you just let all the thoughts..be thought. I won't go into all the worries I worry...but I know if I don't declutter some of the nonsense in my head I will be up all night long.
Some people wake up with inspiration! I wake up with overwhelming feelings of...well worry...Why do I do this? I am blessed beyond what I deserve. I know I am...But the worries always seem to bubble up....I keep back spacing!!! Why am I doing that?!? This is my blog I can be pitiful and depressing if it makes me momentarily feel better. So, if you don't want to hear my random worries and stresses, this may be a post you just want to skip. In the grand scheme of life and eternity, none of these things matter. But it is 1:20 am they will not leave my mind and I really want to sleep so I am going to just type and set them all free into the blog world and not worry about people shaking their heads and saying: "What is her problem? There are starving children in Africa and she is complaining about (fill in the blank from the list I will provide below)?!", and yes that is a run on sentence...and I don't really care. Judge me if you will. This is my blog and I really want to sleep so tomorrow I won't feel even worse about myself because I am too tired to accomplish anything.
*I worry about a question Jake asked me the other day. He asked me: "Do you love Nana?" OF COURSE I LOVE NANA! I was shocked. I told him I did and asked why he asked me that. His answer? "I don't know." Ummm...That is it? More information is needed please. So, I asked him if he loved Nana. To which he said: "Mommy OF COURSE I LOVE NANA!" I know he does-she is amazing. Then I worried...A LOT. Why does he not know that I love Nana? Am I a horrible person or what? I have not showed my son that I love the mother of my amazing husband. The women who raised 4 amazing human beings and adores her 7 1/2 grand children (we are going to have a new nephew in the the Spring!). What kind of monster am I that Jake does not know automatically that I love Nana. It makes me want to puck just thinking about it. Nana just in case you don't know: I LOVE YOU!!!!!
*I worry about the fact that Aaron works 3rd shift 40 hours a week, goes to school full time during the day, sleeps a few hours, gets up and runs 3 miles, does homework...and then has to search through the laundry to find socks because I haven't made time in my being home ALL DAY LONG to put them a way...or to even have washed them in the first place.
*I worry that I stink at homeschooling. It is especially depressing when I know that this is what I am supposed to be doing and it seems like I...can't. Does one good day in 5 constitute an education? I have blogged about the happy moments and fun ideas we have enjoyed. I think this week I will do a post about one of the really bad days. I hope Jake will hold still and let me take a picture of him when I am threatening to send him back to public school if he doesn't JUST DO...what ever it is he is supposed to be doing at the moment....It isn't like if he went back to public school the world would come to an end and a certain death would fall upon us all...But he may think that since I use it as a threat...See, I am just not very good at this whole thing.
*I worry that I maybe crazier than I think I am. I think poor Aaron has glimpses that make him worry about leaving me unattended...I don't think that actually: I know that since he told me that in a moment of a nervous breakdown I had when I was feeling all depressed about being sick and not being able to breath, function, or accomplish any task placed before me..Yep. I like to add stress to my poor husband who has the weight of the world on his shoulders. I really am crazy. But don't worry Aaron: I am not as crazy as you think. The house will still be standing when you get off work in the morning at 6am.
*I worry about the fact that Jake asked me: "What makes you an aunt or uncle again, I forgot?" To this I said: "when your siblings have children you become their uncle." I was saying it in a general term: "you" meaning everybody. I didn't think anything of it until he said: "Oh, so I won't ever be an uncle then." I had an inward moment of depression. I didn't take the time to think about the fact that he will be an uncle to his wives siblings children. I just shut down. Aaron said something to him...Maybe said his cousins would let their children call him uncle. I just died a little inside and went along and tried not to think about it again....Until now. And it makes me really sad.
*I worry about the fact that none of these things should worry me...but they do. I know that Heavenly Father loves me. I know that my little stresses are nothing compared to the chaos and inhumanity that so many people live in. I am sheltered. I am provided for. I yet I wake up at night worried. The only reason I have to worry is that I am not doing all I can to be better and do better. I guess that really comes down to it. I know I am not doing all I can. I know I need to be better, and do better. I will try again tomorrow to not be so pitiful. I have a quote hanging above the computer that I need to remember....
"Latter Day Saint women who recognize that their strength comes from the Lord's Atonement do not give up during difficult and discouraging times." -Julie B. Beck.
I think I need to recognize that a little more....
