*Dear Jake (I'm talking in the future here...keep up with me), or one of his future children, or grandchildren,
Hope you are doing well and quit frankly I hope I am too (I am old by now)! I am going to cut right to the chase. I have had this problem for years now (unless you have fixed it...in which case disregard what I am about to say) of writing blog posts in my head when I can not fall asleep. I know you are smart so I am going to ask you to work on something that will make you rich and help the vast majority of people. I would like you to create a microchip that will be placed in the brain (I am not sure where or how but you are bright you will figure it out) that will keep track of your thoughts and send them straight to the hard drive on your computer! Doesn't that sound brilliant! (If you know me well, and you had better, than you know I just typed that last sentence in a British accent...if you didn't catch that, go back and read it again please...I will wait...okay. Continue reading) As you know I am not a fan of proofreading and quit frankly rarely do it, but if what I wanted to type was already on my computer (sent from the microchip in my brain!) than all I would have to do is proofread and it would really be a much more pleasant experience. Work on it and when you write a book about your accomplishments please dedicate it to me. That's really not too much to ask since I am the one who has given you this idea. Love, Mom, Mimi...or whatever you may call me. I love Little Women, so Marme (I know it is for Mother but I really think it can work for grandmother also) would be delightful! (Delightful=British accent, rest of sentence=Southern accent because you BETTER live near me....)
P.S.-my intentions are for this to only be the thoughts of a person when they are awake and only when the microchip is told to record data and save to the hard drive. If you want to include peoples sleeping thoughts (dreams or nightmares) you are opening up a whole lot of crazy that the world doesn't need more of. Think it through...use your powers for good.... Random Test: "Keep it secret, keep it safe." What is that from? Keep this secret too if you haven't done it yet so no one steals our idea.
*Dear Hormones (present not future...again please keep up),
Well old friend, I have to admit you have been fairly kind to me for several months. But (and theres always a but with you) of all times for you to actually work?...Now? Really? I am literally using a walker to make it to the living room and you think now is a good time to have my period? NOT COOL...Not cool at all.
*Dear Short Term Memory,
I even made a mental note but forgot it already. You are supposed to help me with stuff like this you big ole' slacker!!! Did I just take one (which is half a dose) of Tylenol PM or did I take both of them? (Posterity...Are you still reading. The microchip would have been perfect for this particular moment....Learn from history...) I am pretty sure I just took one but I don't want to damage my liver or kidneys-whichever one it will damage if I take too much (I just read the bottle and you didn't help me remember that either! UGH!), so now my hands are tied. I need to sleep and I am not. I will not take another pill. Thanks for nothing. Don't worry I will be over this by morning because I will totally have forgotten this happened...and so will you. What?
*Dear Liver or Kidneys (whichever this applies too),
*Dear Future Me,
Wow you look great! You never thought you could do it, but you did! Getting really sick and burning yourself with a heating pad, and throwing up, and not eating much for (awhile...? Not sure yet how long that is going to last) some time, and then having diarrhea from the antibiotics (and writing run on sentences), and losing weight because of it (oh yeah that so better be happening right now) really jump started your weight lose. And look at you know-you lost it and kept it off. You got healthy and You.Feel.Great! And you wrote a book about it!...or something way cooler like a novel(s)...that became a best seller? You really are amazing! Keep up the good work. :)
One More Thing....okay...maybe two because this is WAY too much fun!
You know I love you! So much in fact that I use you where ever I want to! If I pause in my head while typing that is where you will be. Each, and, every, time!
*Dear Whoever Maybe Reading This,
Don't judge. Everyone is a little crazy. I just let mine out. :)